Gay men who marry women

A recent conversation took place between myself and Bonnie Kaye, who is recognized as the author of 'Straight Wives, Shattered Lives: Stories of Women with Gay Husbands,' among other notable literary contributions, and also serves as the host of 'Bonnie Kaye's Straight Wives Talk Show' on BlogTalkRadio. Bonnie's adult existence has largely been devoted, initially, to cohabiting with and endeavoring to form an affectionate bond with a gay spouse, and subsequently, to providing support for other females experiencing an identical marital predicament. (The phrase 'mis-marriage,' coined by Bonnie, designates a 'marital error,' though these pairings are also, on occasion, identified by others using the appellation 'mixed marriage.')

Given that I am acquainted with myriad gay men who were previously wedded to heterosexual women—relationships that evinced divergent durations of both joy and sorrow—I felt a strong desire to explore this subject, particularly from the vantage point of the straight wives. Could there possibly be a more fitting individual to engage with regarding this subject than Bonnie Kaye? The conversation we shared spanned an extensive array of topics, commencing with her personal union to a gay man and evolving to chronicle her subsequent capacity to navigate life following the marital dissolution, ultimately transforming into an unwavering pillar of strength for other women encountering analogous circumstances.

Within the scope of this particular article, the preliminary segment of this discourse is laid out, chronicling the narrative of Bonnie's marital union and its subsequent termination. The subsequent portion, delving into the repercussions, is slated for publication in a matter of weeks.

Bonnie, would you kindly recount some elements of your personal history? Could you elaborate on the specifics of your own matrimony, and how did you manage to contend with the challenges it presented?

My formative years unfolded during the 1960s in Santa Monica, California. During that period, I frequently frequented the coastline, encountering a diverse array of individuals. A considerable degree of sexual liberality was prevalent. Individuals engaged in a wide variety of experimental activities. Orgiastic gatherings were taking place. This was a prominent trend of that era. While I personally abstained from such experimentation, these practices were by no means unfamiliar. Furthermore, these behaviors were largely deemed permissible within the Californian context. Consequently, if an individual confided having attempted something without enjoying it, I had no grounds to infer that the person identified as gay. As a result, I refrained from passing judgment on anyone's previous conduct, simply perceiving it as the prevailing reality of existence. Nevertheless, my aspiration certainly did not include marrying a gay man; such a union was unequivocally not what I desired.

At the juncture of encountering my former spouse, Robert, my residence was located in New York. His charisma and resilience captivated me completely, as he embodied all the qualities I sought during that period. He served as a martial arts instructor, specifically karate, possessing a formidable physique reminiscent of Sylvester Stallone, and the possibility of his being gay simply did not cross my mind regarding him. Intimacy commenced early in our connection, and we subsequently developed a deep affection for each other. Our nuptials were solemnized in the year 1978. Certain difficulties arose with him from the outset, yet none of these inclined me to suspect his sexual orientation.

Subsequently, a member of my social circle imparted to me, merely two weeks prior to our planned wedding, that he harbored doubts concerning Robert's sexuality. This assertion met with my disbelief. My thought process revolved around, 'How is it conceivable for him to be gay? He has engaged in sexual activity with me.' At that historical juncture, comprehension eluded us. The insights we currently possess were unavailable to us then. Public knowledge on such matters was nonexistent. The World Wide Web had not yet materialized.

Nevertheless, I still approached Robert to discuss the matter, given that our wedding was merely two weeks distant. His response, upon my broaching the subject, was one of intense fury. While dining at a restaurant, he almost overturned the table, exclaiming indignantly, 'By what right does anyone dare to level such an accusation against me?' His reaction instilled in me a sense of reassurance, as it conveyed that he held no such inclination. Yet, driven by a desire for open-mindedness, I did inquire, 'Has any such experience occurred in your past? I comprehend that individuals experiment with various things.' His reply was unequivocal: 'No such events transpired in my past.' Consequently, I dismissed the concern, and our marriage proceeded as planned. However, subsequent to that point, a subtle disquietude began to manifest in certain aspects.

So, in spite of the staunch denials, did your instincts convey a sense of unease or impropriety?

Males would frequently appear at our doorstep, and Robert would often remark on how these men perceived him as appealing. Notably, a specific individual, the mail carrier from his workplace, was mentioned by Robert as being exceptionally infatuated with him and constantly pursuing his attention. Upon his relating this incident, my response was, 'Why would a man exhibit such profound interest in you? Inform him of your marital status.' His retort was, 'Indeed, I am disinclined to cause him emotional distress.' With the benefit of hindsight, it is now abundantly clear that a heterosexual individual would certainly not utter such a statement.

Regarding gay men, they possess an inherent gaydar, enabling them to discern who exhibits responsiveness and who does not.

Ultimately, the unequivocal truth was that his sexual orientation was, in fact, gay. However, he yearned for the societal norms and conventions that were common to others. In that era, identifying as gay presented considerable challenges. This was particularly arduous for males, a difficulty exacerbated by the emergence of the AIDS epidemic. My own upbringing in California, thankfully, did not present such a severe reality. Indeed, numerous gay acquaintances were part of my social circle in California. Nevertheless, across the majority of global locales, the situation remained exceptionally challenging. Specifically, on the East Coast, where our lives unfolded, being gay was still largely clandestine. Numerous impediments obstructed the path of homosexual individuals.

Subsequently, catalyzed by the AIDS epidemic, many gay men perceived an opportune moment to present as heterosexual, believing they could indeed adopt a straight identity. Consequently, they sought out female partners and entered into matrimony. I, for one, grasp the motivations behind these men's decision to pursue that particular course of action, assuming they genuinely believed they could be heterosexual. Thus, despite Robert's deception regarding his sexual orientation, his rationale for doing so was comprehensible to me. Ultimately, it was not his being gay that proved so deeply distressing, but rather the manner in which he conducted himself toward me. The predicament arises because these men typically experience profound frustration within their heterosexual unions, as such relationships are inherently incongruous with their true nature. Their attempts to embody an identity that is not their own leads to profound unhappiness, which often results in disruptive or harmful behavior.

Notwithstanding Robert's continuous deception and unfaithfulness, did you nevertheless possess a degree of empathy for his plight?

Indeed. Candidly speaking, I find it impossible to envision myself in an analogous predicament. Were societal norms to be reversed, deeming heterosexuality unfavorable or adverse, and I were compelled to navigate life feigning affection for a woman, I genuinely question my capacity to endure such a facade. Without a doubt, I would experience profound anger and vexation regarding the circumstance, likely resulting in outbursts directed towards my cohabitant.

Such is the reality for gay men engaged in heterosexual marital unions. A sense of entrapment frequently engulfs them. However, this state of being is not typically their initial disposition. I am genuinely convinced that these individuals genuinely cherish their spouses at the time of marriage. I hold a strong conviction that my husband, in fact, harbored genuine affection for me. His decision to marry me was not predicated on an intention to deceive me. Rather, he undertook it in an attempt to mislead himself. His endeavor was to circumvent his inherent nature by assuming an identity he could not authentically sustain.

Did other tell-tale signs emerge?

Certainly. Numerous subtle indications, minor suggestions, and distinctive behaviors that diverged from typical heterosexual male conduct became apparent to me over time. This included the manner in which he referenced other men. Furthermore, he exhibited marked homophobia, frequently ridiculing effeminate males. Throughout the ensuing years, I have observed that this behavior is common among many gay men. Their mockery of effeminate men stems from an apprehension of being subjected to similar judgment themselves. This phenomenon represents a form of internalized homophobia, which I frequently encounter, even within the openly gay community.

He would often deride another man, informing me, 'He is referred to by various pejoratives, such as this and that.' My internal query was, 'Pray tell, how do you possess such knowledge? Moreover, if you are not gay, what concern is it of yours?' I now comprehend that he was leading a dual existence, meticulously monitoring his every action, and engaging in exaggerated behaviors to avoid exposure. However, sustaining an inauthentic identity is exceedingly challenging, and eventually, such a facade inevitably crumbles.

In your experience, do many gay men within straight marriages employ blaming and gaslighting tactics as an element of their performance?

Unquestionably. Frequently, these individuals, rather than being candid, will intentionally disorient their spouses regarding the circumstances, leading them to believe that they themselves are the source of marital discord. Such behavior was unequivocally demonstrated by my former spouse.

It was noted in one of your online blog entries that you utilize the nomenclature 'gaylighting' to characterize this particular manifestation of gaslighting.

Indeed, that is my perspective on the matter. These individuals deliberately induce their spouses to believe they are experiencing delusions, perceiving nonexistent realities. Such actions are undertaken to perpetuate the ongoing deceit. It is for this reason that I assert the paramount importance of living genuinely, both in one's personal existence and in interpersonal connections. This is crucial, one might say, for the psychological well-being of every individual. I am truly perplexed as to how individuals manage to sustain a falsehood for protracted periods. Frankly, I cannot fathom it.

What, then, ultimately served as the breaking point in your marital union?

Indeed, approximately two years into our matrimony, a particular day saw him profoundly distressed and restlessly moving about, prompting my inquiry, 'What troubles you?' His response was, 'I am unable to discuss it; I cannot utter a word. The matter is too dreadful.' My rejoinder was, 'Simply disclose it to me. I possess the fortitude to endure anything. Reveal the severity of the situation.' Ultimately, he confessed to experiencing a fleeting lapse while in the company of a male individual with whom he had been spending considerable time. This revelation proved utterly crushing for me, as it marked the inaugural instance of his acknowledging any form of liaison with another person. Despite his assertion that it held no significance for him, it carried substantial import for me. I felt utterly distraught. At that juncture, I was caring for an infant. Furthermore, I had already been worn down after two years within that marital bond, owing to his profoundly abusive conduct, which, it should be clarified, was emotional in nature, never physical.

However, lacking significant fortitude at that particular time, and unwilling to dissolve the family unit, I rationalized the incident as he described it: merely a solitary instance of frailty. My commitment to the marital union persisted. Subsequently, I conceived once more and bore a second child. Consequently, existence became increasingly intricate. I became further enmeshed in the situation. Nevertheless, additional indicators emerged, specifically the presence of other men. A dawning realization of the unfolding events began to take hold. It is my belief that once he perceived my willingness to remain, he commenced testing the limits, increasingly engaging in behaviors aligned with his desires. He would don formal attire for outings and apply cologne, actions he conspicuously omitted when in my company. Moreover, male individuals were perpetually loitering nearby. The circumstances were, in truth, far from favorable.

One observes with interest that many men ensnared in these circumstances frequently attempt to justify their actions, claiming that what they do is not a form of betrayal and does not imply they are homosexual.

Precisely. Initially, I accepted that premise, owing to my lack of comprehension regarding the true nature of my adversary. At that point in time, my understanding of the matter was genuinely lacking. My conviction was that individuals possessed the ability to choose their sexual orientation, whether heterosexual or homosexual. Though, admittedly, not universally. Even then, I acknowledged that numerous gay individuals were inherently so, and that was simply the totality of the matter. However, in the case of certain others, such as the man to whom I was wed, his capacity for intimacy with me led me to believe he had a definitive choice in the matter. I entertained the notion that if I simply exerted greater effort in our relationship, his attention would be more singularly directed toward me, and he would dislodge those alternative preoccupations from his mind.

In essence, you commenced assuming responsibility for his conduct?

Indeed. To solidify this perception, he would continually inform me that the fault lay with me. His incessant accusations made it effortless for me to internalize the culpability. He asserted that I had put on weight, was no longer appealing, and was excessively preoccupied. Furthermore, he claimed the household was not maintained to a sufficient standard of cleanliness. On one occasion, he even posed the rhetorical question, 'Should I indeed entertain such thoughts, who could possibly fault me?' Numerous similar remarks were made. These were minor statements he uttered specifically to diminish my self-worth. He would question, 'Why is your desire for intimacy so constant? You must be a nymphomaniac.' He persistently maintained that, given his exceptional attractiveness and the multitude of women who perpetually pursued him, any issue concerning our intimate relations must unequivocally originate with me. Ultimately, his relentless verbal assaults eroded my defenses, leaving me in a state of profound vulnerability. He possessed a remarkable aptitude for manipulating my emotional triggers, thereby fostering feelings of inadequacy within me.

It is now apparent to me that numerous women encounter this tactic, colloquially known as the 'shout her down to shut her up' approach. This scenario arises when a husband cohabitates with his wife but harbors no genuine desire to remain with her, leading him to displace blame onto her.

Truthfully, my existence during that period was not truly 'living' but rather a mere day-to-day survival. Occasions arose when I experienced suicidal ideations, though by then, I had dependents to consider. At other junctures, homicidal impulses surfaced within me. I simply lacked knowledge regarding extricating myself from the predicament. My inner fortitude proved insufficient. His departure, in hindsight, was a stroke of immense good fortune for me.

So, was the termination of the relationship instigated by him?

His departure was precipitated by my examination of his billfold. I had, by that point, transformed into an exceptionally diligent investigator.

Consequently, you undertook actions that are, more often than not, characteristic of wives who have been deceived.

Indeed, that was my course of action. Naturally, the task of an investigator is simplified in the present era, given the plethora of avenues available for scrutiny, such as mobile telephones, personal computers, and social networking platforms. In that earlier period, none of these resources existed, necessitating my search through his wallet and pockets for financial records and other corroborating details. The discovery I made was profoundly distressing. He had given me his word that he would no longer associate with the man with whom he had experienced that fleeting lapse; however, I subsequently unearthed an amorous correspondence from that same individual, expressing his comprehension that Robert was obliged to remain with me as I was the mother of his offspring, yet affirming his perpetual affection for Robert, and so forth and so on. Robert kept that item concealed within his billfold. Upon its discovery and perusal, a surge of intense anger overcame me.

Subsequently, in a manner characteristic of him, Robert laid the blame squarely upon me. His outburst was, 'By what right do you presume to pry into my private affairs? What gives you leave to search my wallet?' My reply was, 'You are engaged in an illicit liaison, yet you challenge my audacity for uncovering the truth?' Honestly, the incongruity was beyond my comprehension.

He had consistently warned me, stating, 'Should you ever disclose these ridiculous narratives concerning my homosexuality to anyone, our relationship will irrevocably conclude.' Following this, he would issue threats to abscond with our children, informing me that I would be permanently estranged from them. This particular threat rendered me highly vulnerable and distressed. It was his recurrent and most potent intimidation. His chilling declaration was, 'I shall seize the children, and you will never again lay eyes upon them.'

Ultimately, he departed. Placing a fifty-dollar bill on the tabletop, he then appropriated the automobile. Consequently, I was left to care for our two offspring alone. At that moment, I had an infant of three months and a toddler of two years. Moreover, the infant was gravely unwell. Afflicted from birth with a rare ailment, he necessitated my constant shuttle between hospitals, attending to countless medical requirements. To compound matters, I lacked formal higher education. My sole academic credential was a high school equivalency certificate. Thus, I was not equipped with an abundance of qualifications enabling me to secure a respectable occupation. I simply gazed out of the window, posing the desperate question, 'By what means shall I ever manage to persevere?'

So, how indeed did you manage to endure?

Remarkably, my resolve returned within the span of a single week. Prior to my acquaintance with Robert, I had possessed considerable inner fortitude. A week subsequent to his departure, he reappeared, his return entirely unforeseen by me, as I had not initiated any contact with him. Holding his valise, he stood before me, prompting my query, 'What is your purpose here?' He responded, 'I am returning to our residence.' Fortunately, I possessed the necessary strength to declare, 'No, that is not an option. You departed. The matter is settled. You will not be returning.' He countered with, 'Are you asserting your willingness to dismantle a family unit?' My reply was, 'By no means. It was you who caused its dissolution. You abandoned us. I did not abandon you.' And so, existence continued its course.

Within the subsequent week's publication, the latter portion of my dialogue with Bonnie Kaye shall be unveiled, wherein she delves into navigating life with two young children, her journey to becoming a qualified therapist, and her dedicated efforts to assist other women facing comparable circumstances.