Gay Identity Reframed

In the preceding year, Grindr introduced a designation known as ‘side,' a label that challenges the entrenched binary that has traditionally defined gay male interactions, thereby fostering greater sexual acceptance. Individuals identifying as sides derive satisfaction from engaging in every form of sexual activity with the notable exception of anal intercourse. Instead, a comprehensive array of oral, manual, and frictional bodily techniques provides a fulfilling experience that is rich with emotional, sensual, and psychological gratification. Some proponents of this orientation refer to these practices as outercourse.

Sexual Preferences: The Essence of ‘Side' Encompasses Exploration, Recognition, and Esteem

Close to eleven million homosexual men globally utilize the Grindr application to seek companionship for sexual encounters. They can browse an extensive assortment of individuals, ranging from aesthetically pleasing to less conventionally attractive, and from burly to slender builds. Regarding the selection of sexual positions, the available options have historically been confined to either ‘top' or ‘bottom.' The sole additional choice permits switching between these roles, identified as ‘verse' (for versatile).

Individuals who identify as sides frequently encounter widespread dismissal and lack of comprehension within the homosexual community, where they are often perceived as immature, indolent, or even devoid of sexual desire. 

The term ‘side' was originally conceived in 2013 by Dr. Joe Kort, a distinguished sex therapist and author. However, it has only gained modest recognition within the broader gay community over the past twelve months. Approximately eighteen months ago, Dr. Kort established a private Facebook group titled ‘Side Guys' to provide a platform for these men to find acceptance and, potentially, to initiate a cultural shift. 

Initially, the group experienced slow growth, with members joining in modest numbers, first by the tens and subsequently by the hundreds. Nevertheless, within the last eight months, its membership has doubled, reaching an impressive 5,000 individuals. Contributions from sides, spanning various age groups, emanate from across the globe. Dr. Kort has indicated that the majority of these men discovered the group through his TikTok videos, which were created to disseminate information. Furthermore, other men, such as the model Barrett Pall, who boasts 1.4 million followers on the platform, have been independently producing their own informative videos on TikTok. In a further development, Wikipedia has incorporated a definition for ‘sides' within its entry on the terminology of homosexuality. 

Concurrently, the Los Angeles-based gay comedian Michael Henry has produced a satirical instructional video on the subject of sides, which has garnered over 224,000 views on YouTube in recent weeks, positioning it as one of his most popular clips. In this particular video, a young gentleman informs his companions that he has been engaging in relationships with various men but has neither been the penetrating partner nor the penetrated partner. One of his friends inquisitively inquires, 'So, what are you doing with these fellows? Shaking hands?' Following the revelation that the individual identifies as a side, Henry humorously queries, 'You mean like a potato?'

Challenging Internalized Homophobia and Heteronormative Assumptions: ‘Side' Sexual Exploration Paves a Path to Mutual Respect

Over an extended period, the reception from within the community has been quite discouraging. Individuals tended to become unsettled upon discovering that someone did not engage in penetrative activities. Their belief was that this was merely a facet of sexual exploration.

Certain individuals even interpret the ‘side' role as an manifestation of internalized homophobia. Conversely, others hold an opposing viewpoint. The establishment of penetration as the singular benchmark for sexual intimacy represents a heteronormative framework that homosexual individuals possess the opportunity to contest - 'It's mimicking patriarchal crap.'

This ‘side' approach also proves advantageous for heterosexual individuals, including women who experience discomfort during penetrative sex or who favor oral techniques. This methodology can also reintroduce intimacy to gay and heterosexual men experiencing erectile difficulties, as ‘side' techniques may facilitate orgasm for some.

A George Mason University Study Reveals a Significant Minority: Thirty-Five Percent Engage in Penetrative Sex

A considerable number of individuals who identify as sides suspect that many men with similar inclinations remain closeted about their preferences. There is empirical evidence suggesting that a portion of gay and bisexual men favor ‘side' interactions, at least on a temporary basis. A 2011 investigation conducted by George Mason University in Virginia, which surveyed 25,000 men identifying as gay or bisexual, found that a mere thirty-five percent of them had engaged in penetrative sex during their most recent sexual encounter. 

Three-quarters of these surveyed men indicated a preference for kissing, oral stimulation, and non-penetrative activities. Perhaps owing to this preference, those identifying as sides typically report no difficulties in finding partners for initial sexual exploration. It is primarily when pursuing romantic relationships that their preferences, or lack thereof, emerge as a significant obstacle.

Some individuals who identify as sides and are in long-term relationships have found it necessary to keep these relationships open. This allows their top or bottom partners to engage in acts that they themselves are not comfortable performing.

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Sexuality, Mutual Regard: ‘Sides' Continuously Question Binary Norms in Identity and Sexual Expression, Grindr's ‘Side' Category Affords Recognition

Conversations with ‘Side Guys' and an examination of their shared experiences make it abundantly clear that each possesses distinct personal histories and individual preferences. Their shared connection stems from two primary sources. Firstly, there is immense satisfaction derived from recognizing the burgeoning community and the recent proliferation of the term itself. Secondly, there is a profound weariness stemming from the persistent need to explain their personal lives to others, coupled with a deep-seated emotional residue from having such an intimate and meaningful aspect of their existence inaccurately represented. 

The integration of the ‘Side' category by Grindr signifies a progressive advancement, as it directly addresses the sphere of sexual exploration. Credit for its inclusion is appropriately attributed to Bobby Box, an author specializing in gay affairs, who penned an article earlier this year concerning ‘sides' for Xtra, a Canadian publication focused on queer issues.

The community is sufficiently inclusive to encompass transgender and intersex individuals. To further champion this movement, he has initiated the marketing of T-shirts on his website prominently displaying the slogan: 'I'm a Side with Pride.' His aspiration is for individuals identifying as sides to soon feel sufficiently confident to establish their own visibility groups at Pride parades. 

‘Side' Sexual Exploration: Deconstructing Toxic Masculinity and the Phallicization of Desire

The lack of acceptance for the identity category that excludes penetration, specifically that of ‘sides,' is also intrinsically linked to toxic masculinity. This form of masculinity, frequently enacted within heteronormative paradigms, serves as one of several contributing factors to homophobia. A manifestation of this masculine ideology among gay men is the phallicization of sexuality. This term originates from the Greek word phallus, signifying the penis. The very nomenclature employed necessitates a careful examination to ascertain the underlying issues. The existence of ‘side' as a valid sexual option is perceived by many as a desexualization of gay identity, akin to removing an intrinsic element of being gay. This perspective highlights the common perception of gay sex as inherently and unconditionally phallic. 

Grindr's Introduction of the ‘Side' Option and the Discourse Surrounding a Category That Promotes Autonomy and Respect

The discourse initiated by Grindr's inclusion of the ‘Side' option delves into the intricate connections between gender identity and sexual orientation within the most personal aspects of human interaction. While this addition is welcomed by some, as it prompts a critical examination of the gendered power dynamics that underpin sexual roles and offers an alternative to phallocentric sexuality, others view it merely as another instance of the curated desire that Grindr has promoted over the past decade. This perspective suggests it is a method of dictating how and whom gay men should desire by providing them with identity categories through which they present themselves to others, thereby facilitating the eroticization of those individuals. However, that constitutes a separate narrative entirely.

An individual who identifies as a ‘side,' in the context of sexuality, is someone who does not find pleasure in either giving or receiving anal penetration. Instead, sides express a preference for less invasive forms of intimacy, while still embracing sexual exploration. These include activities such as frottage (mutual rubbing), kissing, oral sex, intimate touch and massage, reciprocal masturbation, and other similar practices.

Authored by Ario Mezzolani