Straight guy and gay

1. I Returned Home Early From My Workday. A New Perspective on My Spouse, Unveiling a Shock.
2. My Husband and I Just Discovered a New, Thrilling Approach to Intimacy. A Risky Venture Possibly Awaits.
3. I Have Always Valued Openness. Then My Boyfriend Unveiled His True Intimate Desires.
4. My Ex-Partner and I Undertook a Passionate Chapter. Its Echoes Continue to Resound.

How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. Questions? Contact Stoya and Rich here. It's confidential!

Dear How to Do It,

I recently commenced dating once more and have been presented with a perplexing situation. I have encountered two gentlemen who are keen on dating me, and both are fantastic! Yet, they both articulate a distinctive, almost effeminate, manner of speaking. It is difficult to describe, but it's like the speech style of a gay man. This style is affecting my interest, making me question the direction of the relationships. I am, frankly, somewhat uncomfortable with my own reaction; not wanting to go out again with them. Am I perhaps being homophobic here? Can a straight woman not want to date a gay man? My thoughts are all over the place. I fear these men may be in denial about their gender identities or that I am neglecting the possibility of finding excellent partners simply because of their speech style. I know I must be the judge of my attraction and subsequent decisions, but I crave confirmation that I may be misinterpreting something, that straight men can exhibit a manner of speech perceived as 'gay'.

—Tripping on the Lisp

Dear Tripping on the Lisp,

You're referring to a demonstrable phenomenon of masculine speech frequently characterized as "gay voice." You likely recognize it: an emphasis on certain consonants, a slight lisp, or a melodic cadence that seems almost theatrical. Experts have analyzed these vocal characteristics and have established parallels with certain figures, like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly. There's even a documentary, the 2014 film Do I Sound Gay? by David Thorpe, on this topic. For many, this vocal style remains a notable cultural indicator of a gay identity, which, understandably, might be a challenge for those seeking to avoid this association. Conversely, there's an obvious appeal to those who embrace it. A memorable quote from the documentary features a young gay man, asserting: "I adore my 'gay' voice. No need to declare my sexuality—a warm greeting is enough." Voice coaches, such as Bob Corff, have dedicated their skills to modifying this perceived 'gay' voice, which they contrast against a more neutral "straight" cadence. (Details on his personal website offer an interview with him from 2010, though the website is now defunct.)

Naturally, not all gay individuals possess this vocal style, and not all individuals with it identify as gay. The film Do I Sound Gay? highlights at least one self-identified straight man often misidentified as gay due to his voice. This further complicates the issue when viewed through the lens of non-binary sexuality. A person's presentation and perceived sexual identity cannot be determined by mere voice. The assumption is not valid that a voice perceived as 'gay' necessarily implies an exclusively male sexual orientation. Moreover, the reverse is also not universally applicable. This antiquated, binary logic no longer applies. Corff mentions clients who adopted such a vocal pattern through ballet or through exposure to an artistic environment within their family. Unlike other cultural signifiers, the association with gay culture is often acquired through a less direct, less overtly transmitted method. It's often more of a subtle influence.

Thus, it's possible these men are not gay, perhaps bisexual, or identifying outside the traditional binary spectrum. Your inclination to avoid dating them is not inherently homophobic (it's quite rational), but don't overestimate your own openness. A voice that is culturally associated with gay identity can attract negative attention. As this perceived association can cause those with it to be viewed with distrust, or even ridiculed. This vocal style also may evoke reactions that are simply not taken seriously, leading to potential misinterpretations. If you find these men attractive, it's important to consider if you're inadvertently rejecting exceptional individuals due to a societal impression of 'gay-ness'. Emotional attraction is a complicated process, and you aren't obligated to pursue a relationship that conflicts with your emotional needs.

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Dear How to Do It,

I'm an unmarried man in his 30s, without children—meaning I have no significant external commitments. Recently, I met a woman of a similar age who is happily married but engages in a consensually open relationship. She and her husband have several children from previous unions. Apparently, her sexual drive is higher than her husband's, prompting him to encourage her to pursue external partners to meet her needs. I'm unfamiliar with such a dynamic. The way she effortlessly interacts with me in his presence and the apparent ease with which he grants her the freedom to spend the night around their children suggests he is supportive of the arrangement. Am I missing anything, or are there potential red flags I should consider? I've not met her husband, and we maintain a professional facade as coworkers in this small community.

—Boning in the Dark

Dear Boning in the Dark,

No apparent red flags emerge. Her open communication and the evident support from her husband suggest a transparent approach to their relationship. Honesty and unwavering consistency often underpin trustworthy relationships. The truth is an excellent guiding principle, as the adage suggests: 'Truth-telling eliminates the need for remembering everything.' Open relationships can function perfectly well. You seem to be embracing this approach. Respect her boundaries, and your place in her life; recognize the obligations that may occasionally intervene in her pursuit of leisure.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a 30-year-old woman who married my husband, also 30, in May after over two years together. He is one of the kindest, most intelligent, and beautiful men I've known. Sex with him is incredibly satisfying. From the start, we were fully aligned and delighted in exploring intimacy and our shared desires.

But our past year has been exceptionally challenging. Our family has experienced multiple losses, he was unemployed for a period after his difficult resignation, and I became the primary caregiver for a terminally ill loved one who passed away in March. Throughout these months, I was significantly drained physically and emotionally and unable to engage in intimacy during the week. I attempted to maintain our weekend intimacy, but this wasn't ideal. We spoke about it, and while challenging, I understood it would eventually improve after the grieving process.

During the summer, my energy and desire returned. However, my husband's new job, which he excels at, is exceptionally demanding, leaving him exhausted. Our intimacy has diminished even more, occurring only once or twice a month. I've expressed my concerns, as delicately as possible. He's as disappointed as I am, insisting it's not a lack of desire, but energy. I've tried various approaches: taking the initiative, adapting my approach, suggesting special intimacy nights focusing on cuddling, and even attempting reverse psychology. Yet, nothing has worked. I'm now running out of ideas and worry I'm putting undue pressure on him. This has been ongoing for six months. Given his career aspirations, I feel there might be no end in sight. I love him immensely and want to be supportive, but I'd like our intimate connection restored. Any advice?

—Bring It Back

Dear Bring It Back,

Ultimately, the initiative rests with him. It seems that you have exhausted all reasonable options short of filling in for him in his demanding job. Consulting a therapist, or perhaps researching resources like Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity might provide guidance—but practical solutions may be elusive. Exhaustion is not easily overcome. More rest seems to be a primary necessity.

Does he have free time? How is he spending it? Could he be masking underlying issues with his fatigue? This isn't necessarily the case; intense work schedules can impact libido. Yet, some individuals seem remarkably unaffected by such demands. Try to verify that his reported exhaustion is genuine, not a veiled indication of something else. Time will be required for him to adjust to his new position. Six months, while seemingly a long time when desiring connection, is not an insurmountable period. Hope, in this case, is not out of the question.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a late bloomer in my 30s, exploring the queer aspects of my sexuality. Born male, my sexual experiences primarily involve myself or women. I've recently discovered and embraced attraction to men. Fortunately, I have supportive friends and a dedicated therapist. My partner isn't enthusiastic about anal, which is perfectly acceptable given our open relationship. I'm eager to learn more about bottoming etiquette. I've read that douching is not recommended long term. I understand that preferences vary. However, should I proactively inquire about a partner's preferences prior to a meeting? I've been taking fiber supplements. What guidelines or unspoken rules should I follow?

—Ready to Blossom

Dear Ready to Blossom,

For successful bottoming, consider this: sensitivity and consideration are key to enjoyable interactions. Douching remains a complex topic amongst medical professionals. I recommend consulting recent research on this. If you plan to engage in casual anal sex, it's advisable to discuss preferences with potential partners before meeting. Open communication ensures alignment and a comfortable experience. You can inquire about desired intimacy level, intensity, and specific techniques. Evaluate any claims of prowess or size critically. Communicating your needs beforehand ensures a compatible match. If you desire a slower, gentle approach, articulate that. If you prefer a more direct approach, also communicate that. Expressing your needs, whether about pace or technique, fosters a positive interaction. Any pain should be immediately addressed.

Even with prior experience, there's an inherent excitement when first engaging in certain acts. If you're open to anal, you're likely to find enthusiastic partners with diverse backgrounds. It's always advisable to talk about your desires and preferences. If you're hosting a sexual encounter, provide the dignity of a clean towel to your partner after the encounter. A clean, presentable gesture adds a sophisticated touch to a private encounter.

—Rich

Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend (straight couple) and I have been together for approximately two years. We are content with our current intimacy level, but we are keen to experiment. He is my first partner, and his prior relationships were perhaps limited in the realm of physical expression. We're both enthusiastic about exploring new depths in our sexual experiences. Recently, he has expressed interest in being 'dominated' or 'punished' at times. How do we safely and effectively incorporate this into our intimacy? Are there specific resources, such as books or websites, that you suggest?

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